Kingdom Season 1, Episode 1: This show has my number

Confession#1: You’re getting this because a most unfortunate thing happened – both my hard drives have given up the ghost, and literally all my episodes of Geordie Shore were on those things. Hard to recap something when you haven’t even watched it yet.

Confession#2: The reason I picked Kingdom in particular – and I’m sure you guys can understand me on this one – is because of those Nick jonas pictures. You know, these Nick Jonas pictures. Yeah.

Confession#3: My curiosity was further piqued when I found out that Frank Grillo was also in this show. C’mon, I know y’all watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Frank Grillo is as total DILF.

Confession#4: This thing is actually going to start right after the cut!

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Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 5: The Game of Geordies


Where we left off: Gaz was vigorously inserting his parsnip into Charlotte’s vegetable trough, Vicky has a breakdown, and Sophie had her tits out at one point.

This episode: Even more parsnip plowing! The matriarchy strips the Geordie boys of their dignity! And Holly, Heidi, and Audrina make a comeback!

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Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 4: The saga of Suzie Sensitive

geordie-shore-0Where we left off: The Geordie guys engage in a gay gangbang, Charlotte swears off the parsnip as she peels potatoes, and Holly, Heidi, and Audrina leave the Geordie Shore house.

This episode: We are introduced to Suzie Sensitive, Geordie grammar, and Charlotte is back to bouncing on that parsnip.

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Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 3: So long, farewell, her titties say goodbye


Where we left off: Everybody was talking about Gaz’s penis. Penis, penis, penis. Sophie has put the Year of the Slut on pause. Holly has trouble remembering if she’s cheating on her boyfriend or not. Vicky is starting to question the patriarchy. Also, penis.

This episode: Charlotte is in a river in Egypt, Vicky is revealed to be a wordsmith, and…a gay gangbang?

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Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 2: In conclusion, penis


Where we left off: Gaz’s parsnip has been in every cabbage patch in Newcastle, the other Geordies have now accepted Greg into the hive mind, and Sophie is my queen.

This episode: A penis, the patriarchy, and the start of…feminism?

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Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 1: My first taste of whore soup


The only thing I know about Geordie Shore is that it’s a spin-off of the now defunct MTV reality series, Jersey Shore. I had pretty much no interest in it, in much the same way I had no interest in Jersey Shore.

That doesn’t mean that bits and pieces of both shows haven’t made their way onto my radar. If you check out my book blog, you’ll see that I actually read and reviewed Snooki’s debut novel, “A Shore Thing”. (Spoiler: I didn’t like it.) And Geordie Shore kept popping up on the blogs I frequent because people can’t seem to stop talking about Gary “Gaz” Beadle’s parsnip.

And usually I’m all about the parsnips, because I am — as Daffyd Thomas would put it — a gay and that’s all gays think about, really, but I just never felt the need to actually invest time in watching this show that the Metro has dubbed a “gaudy kaleidoscope”.  It just didn’t seem like it was worth the effort, you know?

But then I saw this video:

Gaz from Geordie Shore underwear shoot for DNA Magazine from mikey trotter on Vimeo.

And you know what I found out about myself? That I am a weak man with no standards and that I should probably hate myself for all eternity. So I downloaded four seasons of Geordie Shore, and hopefully, finish it around the time the latest season stops airing in the UK. Or at least that’s the plan, because my initial plan of reading Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” in less than 20 weeks has now stretched all the way to A YEAR AND A HALF.

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