Kingdom Season 1, Episode 1: This show has my number

Confession#1: You’re getting this because a most unfortunate thing happened – both my hard drives have given up the ghost, and literally all my episodes of Geordie Shore were on those things. Hard to recap something when you haven’t even watched it yet.

Confession#2: The reason I picked Kingdom in particular – and I’m sure you guys can understand me on this one – is because of those Nick jonas pictures. You know, these Nick Jonas pictures. Yeah.

Confession#3: My curiosity was further piqued when I found out that Frank Grillo was also in this show. C’mon, I know y’all watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Frank Grillo is as total DILF.

Confession#4: This thing is actually going to start right after the cut!

Okay, so I know this big opening monologue is supposed to be dramatic and setting the stage for a family drama, but have you guys heard Frank Grillo speak? and the very first thing he says is “Fighting is a mindfuck.” Of course my dirty brain only focuses on the way he says fuck. THIS IS NOT GOING WELL AT ALL.

The third thing out of his mouth is “It softens your dick.” And then we get this image.

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And it’s freaking Nick Jonas! We were staring at Nick Jonas’ crotch for a second there! Also he has a head wound!

And then we get Frank Grillo’s mug.

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Seriously, I hope there will be a point here where I stop being a perv.

ANYWAY. Back to the whole dramatic monologue. It’s Frank Grillo talking to his psychiatrist. Turns out he’s a former fighter himself, and not having that in his life now is messing him up The certainty of it, the knowledge of where he stands on “the pecking order,” as he puts it. He feels like a joke, he says, and then we get this image.

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Opening credits!

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Cut to Jonathan Tucker painting a nipple, trying to convince a big burly guy to get his nipple pierced. There’s a whole spiel about how doctors in the American Civil War used bull semen to seal up wounds, and I am almost tempted to google that shit. And I swear to God, three minutes into this and I feel like I should be swearing like a sailor. The testosterone!

And Jesus Christ Jonathan Tucker wants to throw a dart at the big burly guy. This is not going to end well.

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Big burly guys walks it off, all exasperated sighs, like this happens on the daily, and I freaking laugh. What the fuck?

Jonathan Tucker and the big burly guy have a discussion about who’s supposed to pick up Nate from the hospital, and it seems like Nate has been attacked from the way they talk about how the cops are looking into it. Is Nate Nick Jonas? Is the head wound because he was attacked?

Before I even get an answer to that question, we switch to this image.

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Anyway, Towel-Clad Hot Guy walks into his room to find a fat guy all in a rage, throwing stuff all over the place and screaming how “People steal stuff here!” Towel-Clad Hot Guy changes into his boxer briefs – because God forbid his towel fall off! – and tries to console the fat guy, asking him what it is that was stolen. The fat guy’s bear keychain, it turns out, and I have two thoughts:

So easy to make a bear joke right here.

The way this conflict is humanising Towel-Clad Hot Guy, you just know he’s going to be the second lead. Because Frank Grillo is the lead, obvs.

He tells the guy that if somebody stole his bear keychain, he’ll get it back for him. AND THIS IS SO NOT FAIR. Towel-Clad Hot Guy has tattoos and is appropriately sensitive. THIS SHOW HAS GOT MY NUMBER ALREADY AND WE’RE NOT EVEN 10 MINUTES IN.

Then we have Frank Grillo. AND HE ALSO HAS TATTOOS. FUCK.

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He’s talking to his students at his MMA gym, and I seriously do not understand most of the words that are coming out of his mouth. I’m pretty sure this is compelling stuff for MMA enthusiasts, but it’s all Greek to me.

I do understand that the gym is in trouble and that Frank Grillo doesn’t like one of the students because he smells like “a fat rat’s ass.” That is definitely going into my insult files. For future use. Anyway, there hopes apparently rest on a diva fighter named Ryan. Also, Frank Grillo just said he needs to take a shower. WILL THERE BE A SHOWER SCENE?

There is no shower scene, but they do pick up Nate – Nick Jonas – from the hospital. They try to convince him to move in, an offer that Nate refuses, and you just know that this is a flag for future revelations. Or I’m noticing this because I’m already aware that there’s going to be revelations. Revelations.

So was Nate attacked attacked? Or did this happen in an MMA fight? Questions!

We get back to Towel-Clad Hot Guy, who it appears is actually living in a rehab center because he used to be on drugs. Or he’s on parole and they’re monitoring his behaviour. I’m not really clear on this, but he’s being set up for a job. The show also tidily reveals that he used to be an MMA fighter as well. Told you. Second lead.

Then we cut to a girl studying, who is approached by big burly guy – who was also Nate’s nurse and apparently a friend of the family – and handed a baggie of pills. Is the girl part of Frank Grillo’s family too? And you know right from here that her storyline is going to be about addiction.

And it looks like that’s going to be Frank Grillo’s storyline as well, or at least something like it! He’s getting shots of some kind from big burly guy, who obviously has to deliver it to Frank Grillo’s sculpted abs. DILF, I tell you.

The show writer, apparently, was well aware that people like me would be watching this show for an entirely different reason, because Jonathan Tucker walks in and declares that the room smells of homoerotic relations. I WISH.

Frank Grillo’s wife – she was part of the whole “The gym is in financial trouble” exposition scene – on the other hand, seems to have had extramarital relations. WITH TOWEL-CLAD HOT GUY. WHO TURNS OUT TO BE RYAN THE DIVA FIGHTER. YOU HUSSY. ALSO I’M TOTALLY JEALOUS OF YOUR LIFE.

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Anyway, Frank Grillo’s wife is at a business dinner, and potential investors want to plunk tens of thousands of dollars into the gym. But only if Towel-Clad Hot Guy, aka Ryan, is part of the show. Conflict!

Meanwhile, Jonathan Tucker is over at Nate’s house, and he’s fishing for information. You just know he’s going to fuck up whoever the guys who beat up Nate are. Because it’s starting to look like the injuries were from a fight fight and not a properly sanctioned MMA brawl. Nate, however, can’t remember a thing, but also says fuck, and why is it so entertaining to hear a former Disney star say “fuck”?

Back at Frank Grillo’s place, he and his wife are smoking a joint and expressing their concern about the potential investor’s willingness to just lay $20,000 oh so casually on the table. They’ll get control, stifle their independence, and all that jazz. Frank Grillo once again brings up Ryan the Diva Fighter, and the wife refuses because of course.

But then Frank Grillo asks her why, and it turns out that she met up with Ryan the Diva Fighter, and Frank Grillo gets this look on his face that just reveals he knew about the extramarital relations and now I’m interested in how this is going to play out. Frank Grillo says he doesn’t like it, but he understands that Ryan’s desperate. Frank Grillo’s wife says that she doesn’t want Ryan the Diva Fighter in their life and in their gym, to which Frank Grillo responds that those are two separate things. This is not how I thought this conversation would go.

The next day Frank Grillo and Jonathan Tucker are fighting in the cage, and I learn that you don’t kick in an MMA match? Or at least the particular kick that Jonathan Tucker did? Because I’ve seen one or two MMA matches and I believe there was kicking involved. Jonathan Tucker wants a fight – a properly sanctioned one – but Frank Grillo is having none of it. It’s revealed that Jonathan Tucker would open show up to fights drunk, and of course it reflects badly on Frank Grillo and the rest of the people in his gym. Frank Grillo promises he’ll get Jonathan Tucker a fight once he shows some consistency, while Jonathan Tucker harps on Frank Grillo not checking up with the cops about what happened to Nate.

And then Frank Grillo visits Ryan the Diva Fighter in rehab. They have a surprisingly earnest discussion about talent and self-worth, as well as whatever business it was between Frank Grillo’s wife and Ryan the Diva Fighter – turns out Frank Grillo is the rebound – and this is another conversation I didn’t expect to turn out the way it did.

Then we get a manpain montage. Moving on!

Nick Jonas makes an appearance at the gym, and Frank Grillo is a proud papa. And Ryan the Diva Fighter knew all along where the fat guys bear keychain was?

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Oooohhh, and Frank Grillo’s wife is pissed at big burly guy because apparently he was the dealer. He insists that he’s no longer pushing, but we all know that’s a lie. How could you, big burly guy! I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!


Frank Grillo’s wife is only letting big burly guy stay in the gym because he helped out Nate, but make no mistake, she’ll kick him out as soon as a little plastic baggie shows up on the premises. So I guess I should start the countdown now?

At the police station, Jonathan Tucker is trying to find out who attacked Nate, and the police manning the desk is having none of it.

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She has had it AND IT IS GIVING ME LIFE.

Eventually, the detective Jonathan Tucker’s looking for comes out. Jonathan Tucker corners him, demands answers, which the detective can’t give. There was nobody that witnessed the attack on Nate, and the detective insinuates that perhaps Jonathan Tucker’s enemies were the ones that did. Jonathan Tucker, in what seems to be one of the many bad decision’s his character has made in this show, shoves the police officer and now he gets carted off to jail.

Then we get Frank Grillo being cute with the wife!

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And then Ryan the Dive Fighter sees them like this. DUN DUN DUN.

All in all, i’m actually interested in Kingdom, aside from the shirtlessness! Let’s see if this proves true for the rest of the series!

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