Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 5: The Game of Geordies

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Where we left off: Gaz was vigorously inserting his parsnip into Charlotte’s vegetable trough, Vicky has a breakdown, and Sophie had her tits out at one point.

This episode: Even more parsnip plowing! The matriarchy strips the Geordie boys of their dignity! And Holly, Heidi, and Audrina make a comeback!

Oh wait, you thought this was over? You did? You didn’t think I would be going back to this? Well, you thought wrong.

Yes, yes, it’s been literal months/years since i last updated this thing, but it’s always been at the back of my mind. It’s like a stain you can’t wash out or the streaks of fake tan that I’m sure have been left behind on some of these Geordies’ clothes.

Anyway, as we go back to Newcastle, where we lay our scene, a plague of mistrust and deceit has been cast upon the Geordie Shore house. Vicky wants to leave because the girls have been talking behind her back, while Charlotte continues to lie to herself, insisting that she has no feelings whatsoever for Gaz and his parsnip.

Gaz, however much you may fault him, is at least honest about what’s going on. He’s flat out told Charlotte to her face that she’s just a banker, and last episodes banging was him making his regular deposit.

Vicky, despite having slept on it, has still officially had it. The Game of Geordies has done her in, and she wants out of the house and back to her real friends. She says she doesn’t want to fall out with the in-house Geordies, but she sure as hell will struggle at being nice to them. Tell ‘em, Vicky!

Although she may have to do it later, because Anna, my Greatest Disappointment, has a job set up for Sophie and Charlotte and they have leave like right now. They didn’t even put on any make-up! And I know that’s like a big thing even if I’ve only watched four episodes of this thing.

Keeping out of Vicky’s way is certainly the best plan of action, just ask the rest of the guys. While Vicky makes a phone call, all the guys tiptoe quietly past the phone booth, each providing commentary along the way. James, who last called Vicky some approximation of “crazy cow”, says he wants no part of this. Greg, who called her a bitch, says he does like her. And Jay, the Tina to Vicky’s Ike, says he’s sure that if it weren’t for him, Vicky would have just packed up and left last night.

The job Sophie and Charlotte had to rush to, apparently, is to hand out flyers for a fake tanning business at a local fair. But what they’re really worried about is how things have been left unresolved with Vicky back at the house. They decide that they have to talk with her as soon as they get back home.

Vicky, however, is already doing some talking of her own. The phone call she made earlier in the morning was to her mum, who’ve now come down to meet her at a local restaurant. She drops a bombshell on me immediately: They’ve only spent two weeks in the house so far.

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I mean, really? I thought they’ve been in that house for longer! They managed to squeeze in a threesome, a walk-out, two bar fights, several parsnip plowing sessions, naked tanning sessions, and a gay gangbang in that short amount of time? I’ve spent literal decades trying to get someone’s parsnip to plow me. What have I been doing with my life?

ANYWAY. Vicky gets her pep talk from her mum, who from the footage I saw merely reiterated what Vicky said. And no T, no shade, sometimes that is the best thing that other people can do for you. Vicky leaves feeling good about herself, and really, is that so bad?

After the gay production company that set this show up failed to spark some chemistry between Greg and James in the last episode, they’ve decided to try their luck with Gaz and Jay. The boys are going to work at a hen party, and they’re expecting a lot of lasses and a lot of fun. And then Anna, the Boss, springs a surprise on them.

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Let me see if I can remember what she said correctly. I quote: “You want to go and take your trousers off for the (clients)?”

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The boys refuse to do so at first, but what Anna says, goes, and soon they’re out on the dance floor with just their aprons covering their parsnips. What business are you running, Anna? And can I get in on that action?

So what basically happens is that they try to get all Magic Mike up in this hen party but all the boys get is a bunch of thirsty wimmens trying to take whatever scrap of dignity they have left. ALL HAIL THE MATRIARCHY!

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Back at the house, the Geordie girls were talking it out. Vicky says her piece, and then Sophie delivers the Geordie equivalent of Elizabeth I’s speech before the British Navy went off to fight the Spanish Armada. Vicky is moved – partially – and decides to move past this, and Sophie is convinced that there is a career in diplomacy waiting for her in the future.

I quote: “Has there even been a Prime Minister who’s ever wanted to get pissed and be a little bit of a slag in their life? No.” I tell you what, Sophie, you definitely have my vote. I want to see this:

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in 10 Downing Street.

We have a little interlude in the club where the girls mend their fences, and then were back at home, where Gary’s parsnip is patiently waiting to implant itself in Charlotte’s cabbage patch. After putting up a token resistance, Charlotte opens up the gate to her cabbage patch and lets the parsnip do its semi-annual plowing. Charlotte believes that Gary’s parsnip is sending its brainwaves to her and telling her what to do. I mean, I’ve heard people say countless times that some men think with that other head, but I think this is the first time I’ve heard a woman say that a man’s other head is doing her thinking for her.

Charlotte finally comes to terms with her feelings and decides that she has to reveal her feelings for Gaz and his parsnip. The question is whether Gaz feels the same way.

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But bigger things are afoot! Holly, Heidi, and Audrina return to the Geordie Shore house, after being away for all of two days. Those couple of days have given Holly, Heidi, and Audrina some perspective, and she says that she actually misses these people who didn’t care to include her in any of their activities at all. Bless.

The girls, of course, react as expected.

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Holly, however, has also come back with a brand new attitude. She doesn’t care what these people think of her, Heidi, and Audrina! If they love her, that’s great! If they hate her, that’s great! She’s got her boyfriend, her big tittties, and that’s all she’ll ever need.

That development is quickly followed by another one. Anna, the Boss, Champion of the Matriarchy, calls the house and tells them that Jay, Vicky, Gaz, and Charlotte are going to be taking salsa dancing lessons. Spicy!

Before that whole stew of awkwardness can proceed, however, the Geordies decide to go to the beach, and this whole segment is wasted on me because I honestly cannot understand any of the words that are coming out of their mouths. Well, okay, I can’t understand any of the words coming out of Greg’s mouth.

They eat dinner at the beach, and what do you know, they’re serving parsnips! ACTUAL PARSNIPS! Charlotte is overjoyed.

Charlotte’s good spirits are further buoyed by the salsa lesson they go to later that night. Gaz can’t get any of the steps right, and she’s convinced, convinced that it’s because “he feels under pressure because he’s in love with us so he’s like making mistakes and that so he has to go sit down and calm himself down and try to get himself back on this Earth because dancing with me was like being on Heaven.”

Vicky, however, brings things back down to Earth pretty effectively once they get back home. When Greg disagrees with Vicky’s plan to have a separate girls/guys night out, Vicky is having none of it. After they shout it out Vicky and Greg retreat to their separate corners, and James declares that Vicky’s got a foul mouth on her and that she acts all posh and respectable but the only thing that’s been coming out of her mouth has been “Geordie trash”.

The group does end up going out separately, but wouldn’t you know it, they still end up at the same bar! Oh my stars and garters, what a coincidence! And you know what, everyone’s magically getting along! Holly, Heidi, and Audrina feel welcomed! Charlotte feels like all their prayers have been answered! Well, apart from Gary.

But things are quickly overshadowed by Jay and Vicky eating each other’s faces.

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And then that ended up being overshadowed by Sophie vomiting in the bathroom once they get home, which was then immediately overshadowed by Charlotte confronting Gary about kissing someone “ugly as fuck.” Charlotte, apparently, doesn’t have any problem with Gaz making out with other women, so long as they’re prettier than her. And you know that? I think that’s a perfectly respectable thing to ask for, seriously!

And then they have sex again, because what else is there to do?

While Gaz is watering Charlotte’s cabbage patch with some parsnip juice, Vicky is pouring her emotions out to to Jay. And those emotions switch from A to Z pretty quickly.

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The next morning, Gaz wakes up with severe diarrhea, and Charlotte is just overjoyed, overjoyed that she is going to get to play nurse. Charlotte is further overjoyed that the return of Holly, Heidi, and Audrina, has resulted in her sharing a room with Gaz so Holly can have a bed she can sleep in.

Vicky, on the other hand, has co-opted Sophie’s Year of the Slut game plan and makes out with as many boys as she can when they go out clubbing later on that night. Charlotte goes back home to take care of Gaz’ diarrhea, but ends up sleeping drunkenly on his bed instead. Back at the club, Holly, Heidi, and Audrina once again feel left out of the proceedings, so she goes back home and phones her boyfriend and asks him to break up with her because she feels like she’s not good enough for him. So he does what any reasonable person would do and hangs up on her.

They pick up the conversation the next morning, and the boyfriend is all White Knight. Oh I can’t break up with you, you know I can’t just drop things, blah, blah, blah. I’m over it.

Vicky, meanwhile, decides to continue her mission of weaning Charlotte off of Gaz’ parsnip. She tells Charlotte to be independent! Wary! And Charlotte says that she really only likes Gaz because he and his parsnip are there, like so much exposed vegetation.

The gang goes out again that night, and while Holly is looking to take on the parsnip of one of Gary’s friends, and who walks into the bar but her White Knight boyfriend. OH SHIT.

And what ensues is just plain awkward. If Holly, Heidi, and Audrina felt left out before, White Knight boyfriend is getting that same treatment times a thousand. And most of it is coming from Holly herself. Dude, Holly is not the princess you’re protecting. She’s the dragon you’re supposed to be slaying.

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