Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 4: The saga of Suzie Sensitive

geordie-shore-0Where we left off: The Geordie guys engage in a gay gangbang, Charlotte swears off the parsnip as she peels potatoes, and Holly, Heidi, and Audrina leave the Geordie Shore house.

This episode: We are introduced to Suzie Sensitive, Geordie grammar, and Charlotte is back to bouncing on that parsnip.

This episode begins with the rest of the Geordie Shore crew revealing just how little they cared about Holly and her double Fs. As they were busy partying the night away, none of them realized that Holly hadn’t just left the party, she had left the house.

Jay and Vicky certainly don’t have time to notice anything or anybody else beyond each other, as they are being absurdly jealous even though they haven’t really agreed upon what the boundaries of their relationship are. Vicky is being boss, saying that she knows a lot of people and they’re going to get a kiss on the cheek from her, and Jay just has to grow up and deal with it.

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Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 7.39.08 PMJay is feeling pretty emasculated, and tries to lay down the law. Of course, Vicky is having none of that shit.

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Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 7.42.27 PMI hope the use of the royal third person is normal Geordie grammar and not just Vicky revealing that she is actually suffering from multiple personality disorder. Sophie, however, is doing nothing to disabuse that notion, because she says that after that moment, “‘Single Vicky’ came out, and ‘Single Vicky’ is wild!”

The montage that follows is particularly disappointing. Since we’ve already been treated to Sophie’s wet ass, Holly’s tits, and Gaz’s parsnip, I was expecting wild, but all I got was Vicky drinking from the bottle, hugging another guy, and dancing atop a ledge. That’s like a normal weekend for me — back when I was young and spry.

However, the rest of the guys see this as a portent of doom. Greg manages to use some vowels this time around and says that he’ll be staying out of the way of Vicky and Jay tonight. The fireworks happen earlier than Greg expected, because when Jay gets the number of one of the bar girls, Vicky is on the warpath.

She stalks outside of the bar, Jay following her immediately, and they engage in a parliamentary debate with the Proposition argument being “Fuck off” and the Opposition argument being “Fuck off”.

Back inside the bar, Gaz is talking to another bird, and Charlotte is busy looking for another parsnip to play with so people will stop thinking that she’s in love with Gaz and his parsnip. She finds a substitute parsnip, but Gaz remains cocky (heh). If he wants her to come back to his parsnip, she will. He is that confident.

And it seems like he has reason to be that confident! As cute as the guy Charlotte pulled was, she doesn’t end up sleeping with him when they go back to the Geordie Shore house. Charlotte instead opted to pretend to be asleep just so he would not have sex with her. What happened to breaking boys as you bounce over them, Charlotte? You disappoint me.

Vicky and Jay, on the other hand, are still fighting. It’s all very Ike and Tina, with the genders reversed, and in all that activity none of them manage to notice that Holly, Heidi, and Audrina have left the building.

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 8.08.47 PMIt’s only the morning after, once Charlotte’s non-shag leave the house, that she notices the note Holly left for her as she left. Charlotte proceeds to have a crying fit and Vicky has to hold her through it. Sophie joins the pair, and they all have a moment of sisterhood.

The guys, however, felt that it was no great loss. Holly, they say, was nothing more than a pair of tits for them to pour various alcoholic beverages on, and doesn’t that say a whole lot about the patriarchy?

But Holly drama still takes a back seat to the Vicky-Jay drama that started last night and has gone on until the morning after. Neither one of them is acknowledging the other’s presence, and Vicky makes the division even more apparent by moving out of the room she shared with Jay and moving in with Charlotte and Sophie.

Greg tries to mend the fences between the two, but Vicky is a sassmaster and tells him that she’s perfectly willing to talk to Jay “about the weather…about politics…I’ll crack on about NATO.” She maintains that she’s not going to have a big emotional breakdown about what happened last night. I quote: “He may be a Suzie Sensitive, but I am not into that whatsoever.”

While Vicky and Jay try to come to a truce, Greg and James decide to go out for the night so that James can prove to Greg that he is not a part of the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and that he can pull birds and shag them and that he’s not all talk. Unfortunately, there’s apparently a really important football match that night, and it’s a sausage party at the first bar they walk into.

Back in the house, Gaz is actually nervous to ring up the bar girl that he chatted up last night, and Charlotte is ten kinds of in denial about the hurt that she’s feeling deep, deep down in her bones. Vicky, being the righteous woman that she is, thinks it’s a load of bull that Gaz gets to stick his parsnip in different dips while Charlotte gets to pretend to sleep, but there’s only so much you can do, honey.

The next bar that Greg and Jay go to literally has no customers in it other than the two of them, and the two are beginning to despair about their chances of pulling tonight. What I suggest is that they start pulling each other, eh, eh, eh?

Pulling is also the main concern back at home, as Vicky and the girls actually ring up their boss, Anna, to set them up on date with hot guys. Seriously, ladies. Boundaries have to be set somewhere.

The search for birds finally ends for Greg and James when they can upon an unfortunate one at the third bar they go to. When it turns out that the girl is at the bar with her mother, James actually hits on the mother and I am agog. This still ends up a bust, and Greg and James end up at a pizza place, staring forlornly at each other over the counter.

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 8.51.32 PMThe next morning, Vicky and Sophie go off to work, and Charlotte, as she always does when left to her own devices, immediately crawls back to Gaz and his parsnip. She says that she only wanted to spoon with him because they had to share secrets, but girl, that is totally not the T. You know it, I know it, Kate Middleton’s fetus knows it.

But the bigger mistake that Charlotte manages to commit this time around is that she starts to badmouth Vicky as she rubs up againt Gaz. She’s a bitch, she says. She’s so nasty, she says. And all this after Vicky comforted her after Holly, Heidi, and Audrina’s departure. Charlotte, I am disappoint.

Meanwhile, Vicky and Sophie had to go to work in these:

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 8.57.12 PMWhile the guys had yet another homoerotic workout montage.

Later that night, the girls go out with the boys that Anna set them up with, and while they think they’re perfectly fine lads, Sophie and Charlotte feel like they just don’t measure up to the muscly Geordie goodness of the guys they already have at home. So that’s that.

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 10.57.13 PMThe next day, Charlotte wishes Gaz well on his date, and you can just feel the insincerity oozing out of her every pore. Gaz seems really serious about this girl, who notices that he dressed up all nice and not-douchey for the occasion. And you know what, this may just be me being an old timey, decrepit homosexual from a conservative Third World country, but they kiss on the first date? I don’t know why this is troubling me now when I just watched Gaz have a threesome three episodes ago.

Everybody then converges on a club. The girls bring their blind dates where the Ambiguously Gay Trio are waiting, and a while later Gaz walks in with his date. Charlotte says that Gaz’s date is nice, and I can hear her teeth gritting all the way here in the Philippines, two years after the fact.

The gang start to dance in that awkward way that white people with tans do, and Sophie is not feeling it at all. Where’s the family that hated her when she first walked in? Where’s the family that she began the Year of the Slut with? Why are the member of their little group dancing with other people, when they have a perfectly incestuous thing going on at the house?

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 11.07.36 PMI mean, really, why look for other people when you could have this?

When they go back home, Vicky takes her blind date back to the shag pad while Sophie and Charlotte talk smack about her with the boys. Of course, the boys talk about how Vicky is a bitch because she has the balls to point out the evils of the patriarchy, and you know this is a recipe for trouble.

But enough about that, let’s look at Sophie’s tits!

Screen Shot 2013-06-22 at 11.15.36 PMAfter that lovely diversion, the guys go out again — because really, that’s pretty much all they do — and Charlotte remarks that she’s got a bad feeling about tonight. Tonight, she says, there will be fights. Tonight, there will be tears.

And boy do things explode. Maybe she got it from a raven, or from an owl, but Vicky finds out about how the girls have been bitching about her to the guys behind her back. James notices that somethings going on with the girls, and displaying an intelligence I did not expect him to possess, decides to stay out of it.

Sophie and Charlotte deny, deny, deny, and MTV runs a delicious flashback of the scenes where the girls do exactly the things they deny doing. Charlotte, for the life of her, doesn’t understand why all of this is being brought up while they’re drunk. Bless. Vicky is having none of their excuses and declares that she has no time for all of them now.

Jay tries to patch things up — in the shag pad, quite ominously — but it doesn’t look like it’s going to work. Vicky, even during a breakdown, still has her wits about her and declares that she doesn’t want to “share a room with girls who are more bothered about what a group of guys think about them than what a real girl mate thinks about them and says.”

While Vicky has that breakdown, we get a shot of Gaz rather vigorously inserting his parsnip into Charlotte’s vegetable trough. I swear to God, Charlotte, you should wean yourself off that parsnip for your own good.

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