Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 3: So long, farewell, her titties say goodbye

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Where we left off: Everybody was talking about Gaz’s penis. Penis, penis, penis. Sophie has put the Year of the Slut on pause. Holly has trouble remembering if she’s cheating on her boyfriend or not. Vicky is starting to question the patriarchy. Also, penis.

This episode: Charlotte is in a river in Egypt, Vicky is revealed to be a wordsmith, and…a gay gangbang?

Charlotte disappoints me right from the get-go of this episode. She hay have evaded Gaz’s parsnip the night before, but as soon as she wakes up she is all up in that parsnip. All up in that giant parsnip, because she still can’t get over how huge it is. She says it popped her brain right out of her skull! That is a huge penis, and both of you should see a doctor.

BUT. She says that this is going to be the absolute last time that Gaz’s parsnip will be anywhere near the vicinity of her cabbage patch. She’s convinced that she’s going to stick to this resolution, but she’s got the same tone of voice I have when I say that this is going to be the absolute last slice of cheesecake I am going to cram into my mouth.

While Charlotte is making resolution that she can’t keep, Jay is already seeing the impending doom awaiting our Geordie Sid and Nancy. Jay says Charlotte is going to develop feelings for Gary, since that what people usually do, but Gary is definitely not feeling the same way. Gary, Jay says, just sees Charlotte as convenient pottery to stick his parsnip in.

Vicky and Jay are still going on like fifth-graders about the strangers they made out with last night. Vicky says the only reason she was in such a state last night was because Jay was making out with some other birds, to which Jay responds that Vicky was making out with some other blokes as well. Vicky says that Jay did it first, and then Jay climbed up a treehouse, put up a sign that said “No Womens Allowed”, and then started throwing water balloons at passersby.

As Vicky and Jay try to come up with a polyamorous arrangement that will suit the two of them, the Parsnip and its Lover are off to host a champagne reception. Vicky comments that the Parsnip and its Lover will only end up in tears, and I quote: “This is going to be a Shakespearean tragedy, mark my words.” I believe it was called “Penis Giganticus: A Parsnip in Three Cuts”.

The jobs that Gaz and Charlotte have to do are easy enough: Gaz mans the champagne fountain and make sure everybody is getting sloshed, while Charlotte has to man the guest list and make sure only those on the list get in. Everything goes swimmingly well until the two of them go on break and Charlotte gets it into her head that Gaz is falling in love with whatever it is the two of them have.

Gaz, however much of a dick he is, and however big his dick is, is at least honest. He tells Charlotte point-blank that he sees her as just a banker — someone who’s there for you when you haven’t pulled — and Charlotte replies that “Well, you’re a wanker!” I guess everybody is in grade school for this episode.

Back at the house, Holly is defending the fact that she made out with another guy even though she has a boyfriend. Besides, Holly insists that she and her boyfriend have an understanding about these kinds of things, so everything is A-OK. And then BOOM! In walks Holly’s boyfriend.

Best comment goes to Vicky: “No major deformities. Nothing massively wrong with him to the naked eye.”

Everybody else, however, are trying to find out what is wrong with Dan, Holly, Heidi, and Audrina’s boyfriend. Vicky and James both think that Holly, Heidi, and Audrina are not being entirely honest with him, and that maybe he’d be better off if he dumped her.

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And it’s starting to look like Danny might just dump her as well. She lists down all the people she’d been making out since she came to the house — Gary included — and Danny makes the face that we all recognized from frustrated boyfriends/girlfriends everywhere. It is seriously beginning to look like that “agreement” that Holly and Danny have exists only in Holly’s brain — or Heidi and Audrina’s, whatever — because Danny clarifies that their agreement was Heidi could look, but she couldn’t touch. And Heidi has been doing a lot of touching.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo and Vicky retreat to their rooms, already wondering what’s going to happen once Gary comes back home from work. Will we get to see a fight? A real fight? Vicky is confident that Danny will get his ass kicked if he Gary does decide he wants to fight, while Holly thinks that Danny shouldn’t pick a fight with Gary because it’s her fault anyway. Which, quite frankly, is admirable. Even if she’s lying about just kissing him.

Vicky, once again, delivers with the insightful commentary: “The only thing we do know is that we’ve got one seriously, seriously abused boyfriend in the house. And we have the person who abused him in here as well.”

The question is who the abuser is: Gary or Holly?

While that particular timebomb is waiting to explode, Jay and Vicky decide to go out for some scran, which Urban Dictionary defines as food. Geordie Shore, educating people one vocabulary word at a time. The two of them talk about what to do as they move forward, but fail to reach an agreement. They’ll both try to be calmer, saner people, and if that doesn’t work out, they’ll stop being roommates.

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As they prepare to spend another night partying, everybody else is much more worried about Gary and Danny than they are about Vicky and Jay. As the night begins, there doesn’t seem to be any trouble in sight. Most of Holly’s time is spent placating Danny’s ego, and this placating consists mostly of Danny motorboating Holly’s tits.

Vicky and Jay, on the other hand, continue the ridiculousness that is their…relationship? Because Jay was being pouty when Vicky told him that she wouldn’t be kissing anybody else tonight, she goes out and kisses another guy. And when he return to a Jay that’s sweet and cuddly, she is wracked by guilt.

Holly, on the other hand, makes the troubling declaration that one minute, she’s completely sober, and the next minute, she’s “fucking mortal”. Vicky, ever the wordsmith, describes the situation: “She and Danny were on the furniture, climbing around like spider monkeys. She was a health and safety hazard.”

And Vicky’s not entirely wrong, because the couple break a few vases and Vicky is having none of it. This is, after all, not Middlesborough. She tells Holly off, who then bursts into tears outside of the club. She has had it, too, and she just wants to go. She doesn’t even want to say goodbye.

By the time everybody else gets back home, banging is the only thing on anyone’s mind. It definitely is the only thing in Jay’s mind right now, as he proudly declares into the camera that his only mission in the house right now is to bang Vicky. But Vicky, ever the wordsmith, ever the budding feminist, ever the paragon of healthy(?) self-esteem, says that it’s going to take much more than Jay’s muscles for him to get anywhere near her ladybusiness.

Charlotte finally admits the truth and declares that she might just fancy Gary and his gigantic parsnip, while Holly has a breakdown in the shag pad about how she cannot trust no one, absolutely no one in this house. When you play the Game of Geordies, Holly, you win or you get an STD.

The next day is Jay’s birthday, and the lads celebrate it with a proper gay gangbang.

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Screen Shot 2013-06-17 at 3.29.51 PMExcuse me while I make a deposit in the bank.

ANYWAY. While the rest of the gang celebrate Jay’s birthday, Holly is having a crisis in the shag pad. She doesn’t feel like she’s part of the group, and she just wants to go back to Middlesborough and be with her boyfriend. Most everybody seems to agree, and it doesn’t really look good for Holly chance’s of staying in the Geordie Shore house for much longer.

The guys decide to go go-karting to celebrate Jay’s birthday, and while Charlotte legitimately smokes everyone else on the track, Holly is having some deep thoughts over on the sidelines, mainly that going round and round in circles is boring as fuck. She is starting to realize that she has nothing at all in common with everyone else in the house.

Vicky and Jay, on the other hand, are finding out that they may just have more and more in common with each other. When Jay’s parents visit the house, Vicky gets introduced, and during dinner later that night Vicky found herself playing the role of girlfriend…and liking it. And the final sign that this may just become an actual relationship? Charlotte observes that Jay and Vicky might just change their Facebook status from “Single” to “In A Relationship”. “That’s how serious it is!” Charlotte crows.

It’s serious enough that when Jay just happens to go to the bathroom of the club they go to later that night with a girl, Vicky storms right in to maybe kick some ass and take some names. Unfortunately, Jay was not smooching with the girl. It was all just a coincidence, and Vicky is red-faced.

Screen Shot 2013-06-17 at 3.54.05 PMJay is, understandably, livid. He and Vicky end up arguing with each other, but the words left unsaid are so much more interesting to hear. On the on-camera interviews, Vicky says she had a hard time concentrating on what Jay was saying because he had his his top off and his eyebrows waxed, while Jay thinks Vicky loves the fact that he’s all man. Whatever the case is, the two of them still end up making out and deciding that they won’t make out with anybody else. For now. Bless their hearts.

The next morning, Sophie and Vicky stage a parsnip intervention for Charlotte while the three of them are peeling potatoes, because themes are great. They tell Charlotte that she’s just going to get hurt if she insists on having parsnip on a regular basis, and Charlotte insists that she is not a slave to the parsnip at all. The only one that’s getting hurt, says Charlotte, is any new boy that joins them in the house because she’s going to be bouncing on him so hard.

Holly, meanwhile, is giving herself this one last night out before she decides on bouncing out of the Geordie Shore house. Unfortunately for her, the rest of the group still ends up ignoring her for most of the night. So, she, along with Heidi and Audrina, pack up and leave the house.

DUN. DUN. DUN.

 

 

 

 

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