Where we left off: Gaz’s parsnip has been in every cabbage patch in Newcastle, the other Geordies have now accepted Greg into the hive mind, and Sophie is my queen.
This episode: A penis, the patriarchy, and the start of…feminism?
We learn that Sophie got laid in the last episode, and she declares that “The year of the slut has actually begun.” There’s footage of her shown having sex with a tattooed guy and she’s whispering “Chlamydia” sexily into his ear and I am all over that. Everybody bow down to Sophie.
But the real star this morning is Gaz and his parsnip. Apparently, the night spent at the shag pad wasn’t enough, as Charlotte’s cabbage patch and Gaz’s parsnip were still going at it the morning after. Charlotte says Gaz is a sex machine, and that she’s probably one of the hornier girls he’s ever had sex with. This is, of course, an approximation of what she said, because I couldn’t understand half of it because of her accent.
And just in case the remote control from the previous episode wasn’t enough, Gaz says that he has a secret weapon that drives the girls wild and it’s “me massive cock.”
A testimonial from Charlotte isn’t enough, though, because Holly and Sophie walk into the room and Holly asks if she can see the parsnip. And when she does see it? She screams. She swears that she’s seen a lot of cocks in her life — I don’t doubt her — and yet she’s never seen something like that.
Is it seriously that big? I googled, and a Sky+ remote is 7 inches long. Not small, by any stretch of the imagination, but to merit an actual scream? Really? I’ve seen bigger. Then again, I am basing my assessment on gay porn.
Jay and James, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, are not having as fun a morning as Gaz. The two of them need to be at work at 8 a.m. sharp, and they only manage to crawl out of bed at 10 to 8. We find out that the Blond-Woman-Who-Was-Not-Named is actually named Anna, and she is fuming. She doesn’t take any shit from the guys and she has Jay whimpering in a manner of minutes and I LOVE HER.
While Jay is having his balls filleted, Charlotte is still going on about Gaz and his parsnip. It’s just so huge, she says! So huge! Huge, huge, huge. Penis, penis, penis. Penis, huge, penis, huge.
While little Gaz penises fall out of Charlotte’s mouth, Holly is trying to keep her and her boyfriend’s relationship alive. It’s hard to keep the fires of love going, after all, after you’ve had four strangers pour alcoholic beverages all over your size F titties.
But what’s really troubling for me is how Holly says that she has absolutely no memories of what she and Gaz did during that night they shared the same bed. Is this something that happens regularly to her? Did Gaz just commit a sexual assault? Did I just witness a sexual assault?
The guys decide to relax at a bowling alley — because they’ve just been so stressed this morning, what with the penises and the chlamydia — and we find out that as much as Vicky wanted to get all up in Greg’s consonant-filled mouth in the previous episode, he sees her as just a friend.
And you know what, Vicky sees him as just a friend too! She’s all about Jay. He’s a gentleman. A gentleman who knows not to have a serving of whore soup, even when it’s served on a platter.
When they come back from bowling, Anna has left a veritable Howler on their collective laps. It’s a joy to see how parsnips and cabbage patches wilt in the face of her righteous fury. Anna for Prime Minister!
Greg, because he is a proper lad, believes that the best way to cheer up the Ambiguously Gay Duo, is to invite over the girls whose numbers he collected in the previous episode. He tells the boys that women need to be wined and dined before you dump them, and my heart breaks for parsnip lover Charlotte when Gaz declares that she doesn’t need to be wined and dined because it’s already sorted.
Charlotte maintains that there is nothing serious between her and Gaz. She just “gave (his) bell-end a kiss and a hug” and that is the extent of their relationship. She is not going to be jealous if he brings home another girl. She can’t say the same, however, for Vicky. Vicky says that there may be some mutual attraction between her and Jay, but she also thinks it’s inevitable that he’ll have a wandering eye because he’s a lad.
But fuck all that. The girls decide to get drunk and start catcalling the boys, with Greg getting a cheer all his own: “Get your cock out! Get your cock out! Get your cock out for the lasses!” The jovial drunkenness peters off, however, when the girls that the guys have invited arrive. Parsnip lover is pissed, and Vicky literally has to restrain her from having a go at the girls.
The guys, however, are already having a go at them. What I initially thought was a seizure on Greg’s part was actually him speaking that consonant-filled language that is uniquely his, telling us that he was taking one of the girls to the shag pad so he can introduce his parsnip to her fertile lands.
Jay ends up with Jade, and when they head off to the shag pad they find Greg doing his thing. I half-expected Jay to ask if he could see Greg’s parsnip — he is half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo, after all — but he instead slinks off to play Twister with the rest of the guys and the Other Girls.
That’s not what happens, however, because one of the Other Girls makes the mistake of heading off to the room where the rest of the Geordie girls are, and that is just bad decision-making all around. I’m not even straight and I know you don’t do that. A few words are exchanged between Vicky and one of the Other Girls, but it doesn’t escalate into a fight.
The next morning, my new favorite person Anna calls and says that she’ll stop by the house in an hour, and that it better be spotless by the time she arrives. Everyone scampers to do her bidding. I except her to chew the Ambiguously Gay Duo a new one, but she disappoints and gives them another chance without reaming them a new asshole beforehand. Oh well, our love was fun while it lasted, Anna.
To celebrate their victory, the Geordies decide to go out partying and we get to see Gaz’s patented seduction technique, which basically involves him lifting up his shirt and showing off his abs. It’s much more effective than you’d expect, and Charlotte is having none of it.
The negativity seems to rub off on Vicky as well. She’s not feeling the club’s vibe at all, and maybe because she’s still harboring some leftover aggression from last night, she and the girls end up getting into a fight. And to be fair? They weren’t the ones who started it. They did end it though! Whatever else you can say about these Geordies, they sure do look out for each other’s backs.
And just in case that wasn’t enough physical activity for everyone, the people who make it back home — I can really distinguish in the dark — bring back partners with them, whom they all fuck, of course. Proper Geordie hospitality! Sophie, my spirit animal, even gives a play by play: “Sex in the air, tits flying about, I see knickers coming off. It’s just a complete porn movie.”
Meanwhile, back at the club, Charlotte is pretty much drunk off her ass. Vicky, in her best impression of Galadriel looking into the future, intones: “When it comes to Gary, if he’s going to bring a bird home and she’s in the wrong mood, things could just go sky-high.”
But we don’t get that confrontation just yet. Aside from Charlotte cockblocking Jay, nothing of import happens that night. The next morning, however, Sophie’s mom and dad arrive at the house and Sophie is having a fit because the guy she was having sex with the night before is still in her bed. I don’t what she’s worried about though, as her parents were totally onboard her “Year of the Slut” plan in the previous episode.
And they seem totally onboard with everyone’s sexual shenanigans! Sophie introduces her fellow Geordies in much the same way I would introduce people here in the office if I wasn’t afraid of being fired — “That’s Charlotte, she’s my poo partner. Holly, biggest fake tits in Middlesborough. Gaz, first night, threesome.”
This openness, however, makes Sophie rethink things. In a revelation that legitimately surprises me, Sophie says sex is a no-go conversation topic between her and her parents, and to see them so accepting of it makes her feel guilty and makes her to put the “Year of the Slut” on pause. Truly, the Geordie mind is a wonder to watch.
Holly, on the other hand, decides to come clean to her boyfriend about what happened between her and Gaz on her first night…except she doesn’t. She tells him they just kissed, and when she goes back to the room to relay her conversation with her boyfriend to the guys, it turns out what really happened is that she just stroked his parsnip and didn’t actually have a taste of it.
Later that night, the guys go clubbing again, and Gaz is once again looking to bury his parsnip in Charlotte’s vegetable trough. However, Vicky is a legit good friend, and introduces Charlotte to another guy instead to cut Gaz down to size a bit. She would have been the bestest friend, however, if she had warned Charlotte that the Princess Amidala look only works on Natalie Portman.
Vicky is also laying down the law on Jay. When Jay blows her off after berating him for making out with another woman, she retaliates by making out with another guy. Jay is upset, and Vicky realizes that the patriarchy needs to be overthrown. At least for a few minutes anyway; they patch things up because Jay is “handsome”.
All is not lost, though, because Charlotte actually declines to have any more parsnip for tonight! She doesn’t flat out refuse to have sex with Gaz, but she at least pretends to be asleep and lets Gaz go to sleep with bluest balls to ever turn blue. I’m so proud I could almost cry.