Geordie Shore Series 1, Episode 1: My first taste of whore soup

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The only thing I know about Geordie Shore is that it’s a spin-off of the now defunct MTV reality series, Jersey Shore. I had pretty much no interest in it, in much the same way I had no interest in Jersey Shore.

That doesn’t mean that bits and pieces of both shows haven’t made their way onto my radar. If you check out my book blog, you’ll see that I actually read and reviewed Snooki’s debut novel, “A Shore Thing”. (Spoiler: I didn’t like it.) And Geordie Shore kept popping up on the blogs I frequent because people can’t seem to stop talking about Gary “Gaz” Beadle’s parsnip.

And usually I’m all about the parsnips, because I am — as Daffyd Thomas would put it — a gay and that’s all gays think about, really, but I just never felt the need to actually invest time in watching this show that the Metro has dubbed a “gaudy kaleidoscope”.  It just didn’t seem like it was worth the effort, you know?

But then I saw this video:

Gaz from Geordie Shore underwear shoot for DNA Magazine from mikey trotter on Vimeo.

And you know what I found out about myself? That I am a weak man with no standards and that I should probably hate myself for all eternity. So I downloaded four seasons of Geordie Shore, and hopefully, finish it around the time the latest season stops airing in the UK. Or at least that’s the plan, because my initial plan of reading Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” in less than 20 weeks has now stretched all the way to A YEAR AND A HALF.

So the first thing I encounter when I start watching this show is Gaz speaking in what I assume is a Geordie accent. Online, I’ve constantly encountered people making fun of this particular accent, and I’ve always thought it was mostly exaggeration, but I legit cannot understand a thing that Gaz is saying. It took me about five tries before I could decipher that he was saying that this was the first time in their lives that they have nothing to worry about and that they’re going to live it up in true Geordie style.

Vicky and Charlotte’s accents are easier for me to understand, and then James starts talking about girls giving them…badgers? And that being given badgers is the Geordie Shore dream? A quick check of Urban Dictionary tells me that badgers is British slang for vagina, and now everything makes sense.

I can't even.

I can’t even.

And then there’s quick shots of Jay, Greg, and James, and then Holly flashers her boobs and I almost slam my laptop shot because I’m watching this first episode in a Japanese restaurant in Makati.

Vicky say she’s going to be in there like swimwear, and I laugh because I am apparently an idiot? Also I had just walked maybe an hour or so because I went to an interview a FULL DAY EARLY and had to find my way back to a mall ON FOOT.

Charlotte says something which I don’t understand, but it does end with the words “…you’re an absolute freak.” All of this is happening in front of a montage of these Geordies partying and generally getting into trouble and then ends with Sophie, who legit looks like she’s already drunk.

And all of this happens in less than a minute. God bless.

Opening credits! We get shots of the Geordie stars along with how they would introduce themselves in case they were being interviewed for a job at the United Nations or something.

 

"My biggest fear is getting wrinkles."

“My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.”

 

"I'm a Geordie girl with a VIP edge."

“I’m a Geordie girl with a VIP edge.”

 

"I should have a degree in pulling women."

“I should have a degree in pulling women.”

 

"I'll never kiss anyone without a six pack."

“I’ll never kiss anyone without a six pack.”

 

"The hardest job I've ever done is doing my hair."

“The hardest job I’ve ever done is doing my hair.”

 

"I can talk the back legs off a donkey."

“I can talk the back legs off a donkey.”

 

"Dress to impress, that's me."

“Dress to impress, that’s me.”

 

"I'm fit, I'm flirty, and I've got double Fs."

“I’m fit, I’m flirty, and I’ve got double Fs.”

 

When we finally get to the program proper, it’s to Sophie declaring that since she’s all of 21-years-old, it’s about time for her to be a complete slut and cock magnet. And you know what? I don’t doubt that she accomplishes just that in the first series. She totally looks like the kind of person who could accomplish anything, once their mind is made. Her parents are also really supportive of her goals. Her mother lovingly declares that she’s got a massive chest and lovely legs; her father treats her like a princess.

James, the self-declared “best-looking lad in Newcastle, if not England”, says that his full-time occupation is “smashing birds”, and for a split second a montage of him playing “Angry Birds” shirtless runs through my mind. He says Geordies love getting their bodies out because “what’s not to like?”.

Then we have Vicky, who is bisexual (buysexual?) but whose partners are “predominantly girls”. Her mum declares in a tone of someone who has just given up completely that it’s just best if Vicky just has her own way.

As it turns out, a SKY+ remote is seven inches long.

As it turns out, a SKY+ remote is seven inches long.

And then there’s Gaz. Gaz, Gaz, Gaz. There is a not so subtle shot of him holding a remote control because, as he’s said in interviews and in this first episode of Geordie Shore, his dick is literally the size of a Sky+/Foxtel remote control. I have no idea what the hell it is he’s saying, until he goes “Ready to rock. Ready to pull. Ready to ruin someone,” and I am smitten. I am smitten and I am ashamed. ASHAMED.

Jay is talking about lads who are “after all the fanny and getting into all the fanny” and I’m so sorry because I’m from the Philippines and the first thing that comes to mind when fanny is said is Fanny Serrano. The image of Geordies getting all in that Fanny is now burned into my retinas and I hate everything.

Charlotte says she’s slept with quite a lot of people, “but not loads. Not thousands.” She is, she proudly declares, a 21st century girl.

Greg, whose accent I still cannot decipher, says something about sleeping with anyone when he’s drunk. Am I looking at the show’s token two-beer queer?

Then there’s Holly. Her right breast is named Heidi and her left breast is named Audrina. Heidi and Audrina usually holds her glass for her when she’s out clubbing, and then she proceeds to demonstrate just how that is done. I AM IN LOVE.

Holly is a woman of many talents.

Holly is a woman of many talents.

Vicky and Jay are the first two housemates to actually meet each other, and I learn that proper Geordie etiquette requires the offering of alcohol within five seconds of meeting a Geordie. Also, does Jay always talk with his hands? I feel like he can’t articulate without them. Anyways, the two of them are already planning how they can end up sleeping with each other.

James is the next Geordie Jay meets, and the literally look like the beginning of every “straight jock goes gay” porno I’ve ever seen. Turns out that James already knows Vicky, because he slept with one of her friends. Charlotte, Gaz, and Sophie arrive soon after, and Gaz already has his parsnip trained at Charlotte’s cabbage patch. Nobody wants to sleep with Sophie when she rolls into the house and I end up having a sad.

Literally, Greg, I cannot understand one word that comes out of your mouth. All I can hear are consonants. But Vicky understands him, and she wants all in that consonant-filled mouth.

Sophie is already drunk on Jaeger bombs and she is the light of my life, the fire of my loins, my sin, my soul. Everybody is already hating on her, though, but she is saved by the arrival of Holly, who Jay declares to be an absolute “minger”.

Here’s where I get a nice little lesson in Geordie social stratification. Jay says that one has to be from Newcastle to be a “true” Geordie, while Holly insists that being a Geordie is more about the lifestyle — going out, getting pissed, and not giving a shit. I wonder how that definition goes over with the actual residents of Newcastle?

One of the greatest moments in television history.

One of the greatest moments in television history.

Sophie is drunk off her ass and she’s got a wet spot on her ass and I just want to hug her, put her in a crib, and call her my squishy. Afterwards we get a homoerotic montage of James and Gaz working out. Then after that, Vicky and Gaz start poking each other’s tits, I kid you not.

And then things move to the pool, where Jay, Gaz, Greg, and James proceed to drink various alcoholic beverages from bottles lodged between Heidi and Audrina. I wish I was kidding but this is already happening less than 20 minutes into the first episode. Vicky says  she’s never been to Middlesborough in her life and now she doesn’t plan on going either, and now I want her to be my BFF.

As things wind down and everyone starts going to their beds, Holly ends up snuggling with Gaz, Vicky starts drunkenly making out with Jay (She says that she vaguely remembers it), and Jay is hilarious because he thinks Vicky is floored by how great his game is. It’s not really clear to me what ends up happening between Holly and Gaz, but I think Holly got Gaz’ parsnip into her mouth.

The Geordies are given a reality check the morning after. The deal, apparently, is that they get to stay in the house, but they have to work for the Blond-Woman-Who-Is-Not-Named doing “promotions” and what have you. Failing to do so gets them kicked out. Sophie says this job is right up her alley and further strengthens her hold on my heart.

Holly is busy recounting what she remembers from last night to her boyfriend (“I put a champagne bottle in between my breasts and drank in front of them. I hope you don’t mind.”), and I am starting to feel troubled about how all these girls never seem to remember what they do at night.

We get yet another homoerotic workout montage, because the boys job for tonight is to be shirtless at an event. Yet another reminder that I went into the wrong line of work after college. What job can I get into in my advanced age that allows me to order hot guys to take off their shirts?

Greg, in the few moments that I can understand what he’s saying, reveals that he does not relate to any of the other guys at all. All they talk about is “the gym, what they look like, how good they are,” and he’s had it.

He doesn’t join the group when they head to their first job, which turns out to be hosting people they’ve picked up on the street on a party bus. They’re handing out Ferrero Rochers like it’s Valentines circa late-90s in the University of Santo Tomas High School and I’m left to wonder, once again, what is it that is so great about Ferrero Rochers.

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Whore soup goes well with Coke.

Jay and Gaz bring random girls back home with them after their job, and Sophie is thumbing her nose down at them. When the girls get into the hot tub with the two guys, Vicky calls it “whore soup” and I end up snorting like a loon at Burger King. Jay, however, doesn’t want to finish his serving of whore soup so Gaz ends up having what I assume is a threesome on the FIRST EPISODE of this show. At least the morning after he cleans up after himself.

You’d think he wouldn’t have any cum left after that, but the next night he’s got his parsnip aimed directly at Charlotte’s cabbage patch. Charlotte is doing the whole, “Oh, I don’t like him,” bit, but girl. You hungry for that parsnip.

They get in the cab, where Charlotte declares that she’s going to break Gaz’ heart. They go up into the shag pad, a room separate from the main house, to, well, shag, while back at the club James is breaking faces. Greg helps him out and they’re now all one big Geordie family. Bless.

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